Frosty Fest

Frosty Fest

Out on the Lawn there Arose a Clatter

A not so subtle reminder that Dec 25 is fast approaching, the question-of-the-day will test your knowledge of Santa's gift shop:

Q: Why do Santa's elves use red tape?

A: To keep their pants from falling down.

HaHa. Coincidentally, red tape is why Santa's cargo carrier will not be landing at the Waukegan Airport on Christmas. The Waukegan Airport wants to get its hands on Lake County Forest Preserve land to build a new 7000 ft runway. But so far its hands are tied. They blame it all on FAA "red tape":

The Waukegan National Airport's project to build a new runway in the northern part of the city remains as unresolved this December as it did last December because it cannot move forward until the FAA issues the draft environmental assessment and a public hearing occurs.
Waukegan airport runway project remains in limbo; 'There is just unbelievable red tape'

Coincidentally, red tape is how forest preserve trees will be flagged ...

... for being chopping down. By the Waukegan Airport. So the plutocrats can land their jumbo-jets there.

The end.

Out of Tinley Air

An actual unretouched screenshot of the lead story from Lake County's #1 fakenews source, the Lake County Gazette:

What's a Tinley Park? Nobody knows.

To find out, your LakeCountyEye asked the man-in-the-street:

"The bourbon capital of the World."

Pete Hegseth, Malingerer

"That's where I go to get my truss adjusted."

Kash Patel, Haitian Immigrant

 

"I don't know, maybe one of those made-up towns from The Onion?"

Tulsi Gabbard, Unemployed Suburban Mom

 

Your LakeCountyEye has a feeling you're not in Lake County any more.

Oh For Pete's Sake

The question of the day will test your knowledge of current events.

Q: Pete Hegseth has not yet withdrawn his nomination for US Defense Secretary. How much alcohol does Hegseth consume in a day?

A: One hogshead.

HaHa.

After Pete Hegseth becomes Secretary of Defense the Army is expected to announce a new class of armored fighting vehicle: Drunk Tanks

Hegseth would be uniquely positioned to manage the Pentagon. Compared to a typical office building, the Pentagon has more corners to pee in.

After his confirmation. Hegseth will visit the Great Lakes Naval Station. He will ask the Admiral about the size of the sailor's daily rum ration. The Admiral will say "Mr Secretary, there hasn't been a rum ration since before 1863." Hegseth will say "OK, I can come back then."

US soldiers may be deployed to enforce the mass deportations that Donald Trump has promised. Lake County could be a target:

Column: The unknown about Trump’s plans rapidly coming into focus

Pete Hegseth is all on-board with the idea: "We can buy everyone a bottle of tequila to keep them happy. Calm down, I'm talking about the soldiers."

That's all your LakeCountyEye has. Bottoms up.

Doobious Achievements

The year-end holiday slog is now on the final stretch, a time traditionally celebrated in verse:

The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

Sugar-Plums must have been a brand name for cannabis gummies, back then? Something has to explain all the hallucinations:

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.

In related news, the Village of Mundelein.

Did you know that Mundelein was the first local municipality to host a medical cannabis dispensary after they became legal? And that Mundelein hosts an annual outdoor cannabis festival? Read about it in the Daily Herald:

Could a second pot dispensary be headed to Mundelein?

Operatives are asked to make up their own joke here.

Holiday Lights

Holiday Lights

The War of the Roses

Fed up with the deep state bossing you around? Don't secede from the State of Illinois. Relocate instead to Barrington Hills -- a Libertarian's paradise, at least according to the Village website:

A community low in legislation and high in property rights, Barrington Hills residents can indulge their passions and interests at home.
Barrington Hills is a Community Where Landowners Determine How They Enjoy Their Land

Barrington Hills is also the only local Chicagoland community where a resident can apply to build a shooting range or a sporting clays course on their own property.
Large Properties Create Endless Possibilities

Barrington Hills is clearly that low-in-legislation, high-in-property-rights kind of place where your passions can run wild.  Is your passion a shooting range? Then build a shooting range. Is your passion a pick-your-own flower farm? Then build a pick-your-own flower farm.

HaHa, j/k.

If you build a pick-your-own flower farm in Barrington Hills, the Village will serve you with a cease-and-desist order:

Little Ducky Flower Farm might have become too big for its own good. Its online popularity recently caught the attention of Barrington Hills officials and some residents who demanded the pick-your-own flower operation be shut down. Barrington Hills residents Chris Yamamoto and his wife Sarah Gul are fighting to maintain the farm's operations and contend they merely want to engage with the community and share their passion for flowers and agriculture. However, they are encountering resistance from village officials, the zoning board of appeals and some residents who argue the commercial operation compromises the village's residential character. In May, the village ordered the farm to cease operations
Barrington Hills couple faces uphill battle to keep flower farm open to public

One neighborhood watchdog told your LakeCountyEye: "That's not going to fly in Barrington Hills, unless you give your visitors a firearm and then call it a shoot-your-own flower farm."

When Comedy was King

Provided there is such a thing, your LakeCountyEye's eyeteeth were cut on the Saturday morning cartoons. Who amongst you wasn't glued to the set early every weekend, laughing at the outrageous antics of your favorite cartoon buffoons?

The cartoon buffoon, like the animated cartoon, is an only-in-America invention. He has been in circulation since from back when a five cent exploding cigar cost only a nickel.

To celebrate the cartoon buffoon, your LakeCountyEye has tracked his evolutionary history:

Wellington J Wimpy


Elmer J Fudd


Bullwinkle J Moose


Homer J Simpson


Stimpson J Cat


Sheldon J Plankton


Donald J Trump

Now, that's entertainment!

The Profit is Not Honored in its Own County

All those FEMA conspiracy theories are true! The red hurricane tsunami of 2024 flushed a boatload of Lake County Republican candidates into office -- and it was fueled by dollars from Lake County moneybags, Richard Uihlein.

HaHa, j/k. Every Lake County incumbent was re-elected. And all that Uihlein cash went south into DuPage County:

Doug Truax has nurtured small, politically conservative groups based in west suburban Downers Grove into a sprawling empire of organizations pushing far right agendas and election denialism — buoyed by contributions of more than $150 million from Illinois' Richard Uihlein, one of the country's biggest Republican donors.
Powerful suburban Chicago political operation fueled by Uihlein money spends millions on far right causes

Was any of that money spent on Lake County Republican candidates? Nobody knows. One thing is certain, if any Uihlein greenbacks found their way into the pocket of a Lake County GOP candidate, it didn't help. And if, on the other hand, Uihlein stiffed all his home-team candidates, they can take heart knowing that the money was spent somewhere else where it might do some good.

Note to Ops: 2026 is only 2 years from now.

E Pluribus Doom

With the big election in the rear view mirror, everybody suddenly finds themselves with nothing to do. Fret not, this is your perfect opportunity to sign up for the new LakeCountyEye MasterClass™.

This LakeCountyEye MasterClass™ will show you how to draw in the style of the Chicago Tribune Creepy Cartoonist™ ...

First retrieve an old copy of MAD Magazine from your vault.

Open the hilarious MAD Fold-In page:

Then fold it in:

And voila, you have for yourself an instant Creepy Tribune Cartoonist drawing:

Still Here

Fun fact: Ben Franklin thought the national bird should be a turkey. Franklin was clearly 250 years ahead of his time.

Who's Next?

There is only one or two hundred million dollars left between now and election day. And the one question on everyone's lips is: "Who will accurately predict who will win the presidential election?"

Prognostication, to be sure, is as much an art as a science. A good oracle will know all the polls, and have their finger on the pulse of the voters, and will be plugged into the Zeitgeist.

All of which explains why your LakeCountyEye asked the A.I. chatbot for the answers instead.

You won't have to stay up late, waiting for election results on Tuesday night. The chatbot has generated a deepfake video that anyone can watch right now:

FRAUD AT POLLS

Note to Ops: Rosebud.

The Electoral Collage

The election to end all elections is approaching. That day of reckoning will be arriving before you know it -- you cannot afford to procrastinate.

Of course your LakeCountyEye refers to the 2025 Illinois municipal election:

2025 Consolidated Election

The first day to file your 2025 nominating petitions is November 12; the last day is November 18. At stake will be Township, Municipal, Park District, Library District, School District, and Fire District seats.

In related news, it has been reported that there also will be a general election next week. Reliable sources say the election will be held on November 5. If so, please make some plans to vote.

Free Girls Basketball Clinic

Gurnee Park District
FREE Girls Basketball Clinic

County-Wide Early Voting Starting October 21

Lake County Clerk’s Office Announces County-Wide Early Voting
Starting October 21, 2024

Some Big Bucks

Perhaps in lockstep with Vladimir Putin, the Chicago Tribune Creepy Cartoonist™ doggedly pursues his war of attrition against the African black rhinoceros:

A New Way Forward

Does the Creepy Tribune Cartoonist™ harbor some secret animosity toward critically endangered African megafauna? Or is this just a manifestation of a bankrupt imagination with an infusion of some lazy cartooning?

For the record, the national debt increased nearly $8 trillion during the Trump years:

And the elephant is still an endangered species. Just sayin!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

An actual unretouched screencap from the Lake County Gazette, Lake County's #1 fakenews source:

Confused? Well this may explain the funny numbers: The Lake County Gazette has also reported that 556 Lake County students failed the math portion of their SAT exams:

Making Up the Grade

There is good news. Of those 556 students, no fewer than 1140 have been accepted to law school.

Making Up the Grade

Boy oh boy, Lake County students are a bunch of knuckleheads. How unintelligent are they? Lake County students are so unintelligent they even fail their IQ tests!

Impossible you say? Because IQ tests (like, say, the SAT exam) measure aptitude, and concepts like pass and fail do not apply. Well, not according to the Lake County Gazette:

It goes without saying that the Lake County Gazette is Lake County's #1 fakenews source. All of the content in the Lake County Gazette comes direct from Russian troll farms, and delivered fresh to your table every day.

In America you take the SAT exam. In Russia, the SAT exam takes Ukraine!

Secret Organization

He may be yesterday's news, but the facts have not changed: Mark Robinson (the self-described black Nazi perv) had been invited to speak in Lake County by the Tenth Congressional District Republican Organization:

Controversial North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson has pulled the plug on a much-criticized speaking appearance at a GOP fundraiser, according to the Tenth Congressional District Republican Organization's website.
Robinson won't speak at local GOP event amid latest firestorm

And yet one disturbing question remains, still unanswered:

What could possibly be the Tenth Congressional District Republican Organization?

Does anyone know? To find out, your LakeCountyEye asked the man-in-the-street:

"It's like one of those things you read about in The Onion."

Sally Kavity, Unemployed Suburban Mom

"Obviously not a scam PAC."

Shaw Marx, Malingerer

"Parlez-vous français?"

Brian Keith, Haitian Immigrant

 

They're unanimous -- nobody knows what the Tenth Congressional District Republican Organization is.

Vox populi, vox Dei.

Next of Quinn

When Martin McLaughlin uses the words career politician he means them as an insult. This from McLaughlin's website ...

Who is Martin McLaughlin? McLaughlin is ... wait for it ... another career politician. This from McLaughlin's Wikipedia page:

Martin McLaughlin (politician)

Note to Ops: Someone who's been in politics as long as Martin McLaughlin is going to know all the tricks of the trade.

Office Copy

Note to Ops: Have you been moping and are all like ...

"It's late September and I really should be back at school my LakeCountyEye MasterClass™"?

If you have, well brood no longer. In this semester of the LakeCountyEye MasterClass™ you will learn how to draw in the style of the Chicago Tribune Creepy Cartoonist™:

Go to the IMDb and download a still from the classic motion picture The Apartment:

Put some tracing paper over the image:

Trace the outline of a few desks, then add Jack Lemmon:

But Who's Counting?

And voila, anybody, even you, can be a political cartoonist!

Where have you gone, Mr Robinson?

Did you hear the one about the exhibitionist who was a no-show at the local GOP fundraiser? HaHa, hang up your raincoats, the GOP black Nazi perv guy will not be coming to Lake County:

Controversial North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson has pulled the plug on a much-criticized speaking appearance at a GOP fundraiser, according to the Tenth Congressional District Republican Organization's website.
Amid pushback, controversial nominee for NC governor Mark Robinson cancels appearance at North Shore GOP fundraiser

Tickets however for the fundraiser are still available, either stag or with a date:

It is not known if that is cash-only.

What's that you say, Mr Robinson?

Note to Ops: Pop open the lubricant. Here is your chance to rub elbows with the black Nazi guy:

Who is the black Nazi guy? He is also known as the slavery is good guy. Or as the Nude Africa guy. Or as the I just wanna see the sex tape guy.

Whoever he is, he will be headlining a fundraiser for some local GOP organizations. If you attend, don't neglect to pay some respect to your host, Mark Shaw Who is also known as the couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Pipe Down

A man with a banana in his ear walked into the Mundelein outdoor cannabis festival. Someone said "Excuse me, do you know there is a banana in your ear?" The man replied "What did you say?" Someone else said "Why is a banana in your ear?" The man replied "What?" Someone else said "There is a banana in your ear!" The man replied "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. The music is too loud."

HaHa, true story. Loud music from the Mundelein cannabis festival has resulted in complaints being lodged at city-hall:

The people who spoke about the concert during the public comment section of Monday's board meeting live in the Lakewood Village neighborhood near the dispensary. They primarily complained about noise, saying it went on late into the night.
Mundelein residents complain about concert at dispensary

To be sure, any open-air marijuana fest is going to make a stink with some neighbors. But when that stink is over the live music, then you have a problem. One showbiz insider suggests hiring (Lake County favorite son) Ted Nugent next year: "Sure, Ted Nugent is going to play loud, but nobody listens to him any more."

Run and Take the Money

Note to Ops, dust off your alms chests:

The nearly $72 million a Lake Forest billionaire and his wife have contributed to federal candidates and groups this election cycle is significantly greater than any other Illinoisans' donations, data from an independent research group shows. The total makes Republican benefactors Richard and Elizabeth Uihlein the nation's third-most prolific campaign donors
Who are the top federal campaign donors from Illinois?

Lake County moneybags Richard Uihlein has given $72,000,000 to Federal candidates. How much of that money will be spent in Lake County? None. That's because Lake County does not have any Federal Candidates. Well, no GOP Federal candidates to speak of.

$72 million (a ton of dough by anyone's estimation) would make for a nice down payment on someone's dream. In Lake County, ten of them at the very least:

10 Things $72,000,000 Will Get You in Lake County

86-ft doobie at the Mundelein cannabis fest. Hire a troll to guard the Long Grove bridge. Add a passing lane to the new Waukegan Airport runway. 1,440,000,000 nickel slot pulls at the Waukegan Casino. Two Words: Pickleball Palooza Binge-buy your way thru the ULINE catalog. Build that big border wall down Lake-Cook Rd. Bet it all on bitcoin. Some health insurance for your backyard chickens. Turn Lake County red.

Look for your LakeCountyEye at an ATM machine near you.

Bonfire & Brews

Bonfire & Brews: A Taste of Gurnee

Where's Waldo?

What is wrong with this picture?

Sharpeyed operatives will recognize a Lake County Gazette story. And they will recognize the picture of Martin McLaughlin. Except the picture is not Martin McLaughlin. No, that is a picture of a Peoria Park District Trustee. As in Peoria County, Illinois.

WTH? Everyone knows that the Lake County Gazette is Lake County's #1 fakenews source, where its stories are randomly generated by news-bots. And everyone knows that these random stories come illustrated with a picture of Lake County backbench state rep Martin McLaughlin. (Why? Because Lake County Gazette.)

This particular story is about who practices law in Lake County. While the guy in the picture, for all your Lake County Eye knows, has never been in Lake County.

A media spokesman for the media said: "OK, that's not Martin McLaughlin. But it is a picture of some middle-aged white guy. Who's going to know the difference?"

It's Gonna Be YUGE

The Creepy Chicago Tribune Cartoonist™ drew a cartoon about the Federal deficit. Naturally enough, for a symbol he chose a species of African mega-fauna:

I Got Next

Both the black rhinoceros and the white rhinoceros are critically endangered species. Their numbers are shrinking, with fewer than 20,000 to be found in the wild. Using a rhinoceros to symbolize an expanding Federal deficit would just seem to be lazy cartooning. But then again, the Creepy Chicago Tribune Cartoonist™.

A better symbol would be Donald J Trump -- the largest Ex-President since William Howard Taft. Trump weighs in at a whopping 322 pounds, which has been steadily increasing since his inauguration in 2017:

Just Sayin!

A Keen Grasp of the Obvious

An actual unretouched screen capture from the Lake County Gazette, Lake County's #1 fakenews source:

One thing should be crystal clear, the Lake County Gazette is reporting that Lake County did not fund their women's collegiate football teams in 2023.

In related news, Lake County doesn't have any women's collegiate football teams.

In other related news, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Cartoon Violence

Overheard at a meeting of the Vernon Township Republicans: "See you in the funny papers."

All kidding aside, people who read the comics section of the Vernon Township GOP newsletter are not laughing:

The two-panel cartoon, which the group published this month in an electronic newsletter, depicts a visibly injured woman wearing a "Vote Blue" T-shirt telling an anthropomorphic donkey with tattoos reading "war," "open border" "crime" and more that she won't leave him "as long as I can have abortions." Officials from both parties blasted the cartoon and the group for publishing it.
'A lapse in judgment': Cartoon in GOP newsletter bashed by suburban Democrats and Republicans

Naturally enough, doing what Donald Trump would do, the Vernon Township Republicans doubled down on their toxic cartoon. HaHa, j/k:

Vernon Township Republican organization officials on Wednesday called their publication of a much-criticized political cartoon that made light of domestic violence "a lapse in judgment."
'A lapse in judgment': Cartoon in GOP newsletter bashed by suburban Democrats and Republicans

Note to Ops: Don't let cancel culture harsh your mellow. Look for the bleeped cartoon at your next GOP barbecue and gun raffle ...

If the toon fits, wear it!

Tax Racket

Have you been tricked by a property tax scam? If so, your payment is due. The Lake County Gazette says a fraudulent tax bill may arrive in your mailbox:

Sharpeyed operatives will recognize the picture of backbench state rep Martin McLaughlin. And while it is unlikely that McLaughlin is involved in a property tax scan, either as a victim or a perpetrator, nothing is known for certain -- because Martin McLaughlin is actually mentioned nowhere in the Lake County Gazette story.

A spokesman of unimpeccable provenance said: "No one reads the Lake County Gazette anyways. We could have used a picture of Foghorn Leghorn and no one would have known any difference. Plus, we can use McLaughlin's photo for free."

Gurnee Days 2024

Gurnee Days 2024

You Say Kamala, I Say Kamala

It looks like Joe Walsh won't be ordering the white cheddar cheeseburger up to a suite in the Trump Tower Chicago any time soon. Lake County GOP favorite son Joe Walsh is a Republican for Harris:

Prominent Illinois Republicans throw support behind Kamala Harris

In related news, the new chair to the Illinois Republican Party is Lake County GOP favorite son Kathy Salvi.

Note to Ops: Don't expect to see Walsh at the next Lake County GOP unity brunch & gun raffle.

National Poll Worker Recruitment Day

National Poll Worker Recruitment Day

Creative License

Are you suffering from memory loss, poor coordination, attention deficiency? Well, the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation has your back. Hey, all you cannabis dispensary owners, it's high time you got around to renewing your licenses. The details are in the Lake County Gazette:

Sharpeyed operatives will recognize the picture of backbench Lake County State Rep Martin McLaughlin. McLaughlin is not mentioned anywhere in the Lake County Gazette story. And while he most likely does not have a license to sell cannabis, Martin McLaughlin does have the look of a Donald Trump Vice Presidential running mate -- aka a license to steal. A license to steal the hearts of all the childless cat ladies!