There are No Atheists in a Pothole

Since driving on a permanently revoked license is against the law, your LakeCountyEye normally turns a blind eye to this sort of story:

Road crews are hoping for a break from the snow that will allow them to catch up on the recent crop of potholes following the freeze and thaw cycles. Drivers who spot issues can find reporting forms for the Lake County Division of Transportation at lakecountyil.gov or Illinois Department of Transportation at www.idot.illinois.gov.
Spot a pothole in Lake County? Here's how to report it

To dig up the lowdown, your LakeCountyEye contacted Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Blackburn-Lancashire Roads Scholar at the College of Lake County.

"Dude, I am hungry." said Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "My airplane had a layover in one of those Caribbean pothole countries. You know, where the ganja is legal."

Different kind of pothole, your LakeCountyEye was quick to point out.

Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi giggled: "No way!"

Way.

Then Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi was suddenly all frowns: "Haha I'm cool, cool with that. I will say that IDOT has issued a severe pothole warning for all of Lake County. Motorists are asked to stay home. Those who cannot are asked to call Uber."

How big are these hazards?

"I'm glad you asked." grinned Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "The potholes in Lake County are so big that entire vehicles are being swallowed. And we're not talking Yugos. We're talking Camrys, even Tauruses."

Hard to believe.

"Believe me." trumpeted Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Scientists found a number of Lake County potholes which go down so deep that even light cannot escape. One has an event horizon that extends completely through McHenry County."

Is it like they will ever notice a difference?

"That baby has it's own zipcode." added Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi.

Is that how the scientists keep track of them?

"No." replied Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Have you noticed how climatologists are now giving names even to local storms?"

So as to gin up public interest in what otherwise would have been some run-of-the-mill weather event?

"Exactly." nodded Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "And transportation officials are now giving names to the Lake County potholes."

Your LakeCountyEye was all like: Get out!

"There is one named pothole near the Bog State Natural Area called the Holo in Volo." continued Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "Another one in front of the Waukegan Court House has been christened the Judge Crater. And if you're driving by Gurnee Mills, watch out for the Grand Wazoo."

Your LakeCountyEye had heard enough. Did Dr Bhatschidtkhrazzi have any parting advice?

"Tell your Operatives relief is in sight. Foxconn has agreed to buy all of Lake County's potholes to store their industrial waste. Their radioactive runoff will be diverted into the holes, and is expected to harden within 10,000 years. And then the County roads will be like brand new!"