The Road to Riches

Short of threatening to move across State lines unless they get tax concessions, the Route 53 Blue Ribbon Commission has run out of ideas for financing the Route 53 Extension. The News-Sun observed that ...

After months of laboring through a bushel of options on how to build a 25-mile road for about $2.6 billion, the project's finance committee has arrived at an interlocking set of funding plans. What the components share in common is that everyone will hate at least one of the ideas. And lots of people will hate the entire idea, starting with spending $2.6 billion on a road that only begets bad funding ideas.
Route 53 payment plan gives something for everyone to hate

Desperate times call for desperate measures. So your LakeCountyEye paid a visit to Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Leveraged Financial Instruments at the College of Lake County.

Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi asked to meet on the Amstutz Expressway, the on-screen location of every Hollywood chase scene ever filmed since Ben Hur. He said, "Every time they shoot a movie here, the City of Waukegan pockets a nice chunk of money for itself. Well, it was only a matter of time before the Route 53 Commission woke up and smelled the Benjamins."

Your LakeCountyEye was nonplussed. Did that mean they planned to finance the Route 53 Extension by making the limited-access toll-road available to Hollywood filmmakers?

"They are already under contract" offered Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "to film the Easy Rider sequel on the Route 53 Extension. The daily commuter isn't even expected to notice. Lake County has plenty of senior citizens riding around on their Harley Davidsons, as it is."

Your LakeCountyEye was all like: and not to mention good ole boys in pickups with gun racks.

"And the LCDOT is already stockpiling barrels of yellow-line paint", continued Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "for a remake of the Wizard of Oz. Tell your ops there will be an open casting call for munchkin extras."

Your LakeCountyEye made a mental note.

"This financing plan will also help save on construction costs." added Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "They will only have to build the bridges half-way across the overpasses. For a remake of Thelma and Louise."

Your LakeCountyEye was none too pleased to hear that. Something else to avoid during rush hour.

"And think about this." cautioned Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "After one or two Chicago winters the Route 53 Extension is expected to revert back to its feral state -- a post-apocalyptic moonscape of potholes and roadkill and homeless squatters. Well, one Hollywood studio has already optioned the rights."

Your LakeCountyEye had a hunch. Another Mad Max movie?

"No flies on you today." chuckled Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi. "I've heard that the the International Demolition Derby Association -- as well as NASCAR -- have sent out feelers."

Your LakeCountyEye heard enough. Was there any parting advice?

"Tell your ops," said Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, "that if the location shots on Duck Dynasty look familiar, they'll know why."