For Better or For Worse Til Death Do Us Part

One doesn't have to be a chatroom marriage counselor to see that Lake County is suffering through some marital difficulties. In one corner sits Congressman Randy Hultgren, who has co-sponsored a Constitutional Amendment that will Federally prohibit gay marriage. And in the other corner sits State Representative Ed Sullivan, who supports legislation that will legalize gay marriage in Illinois.

If you see political infighting happening within your Party, your LakeCountyEye advises never ever delay. Act immediately and pass that buck as quickly as possible over to someone that everyone can blame later -- ideally a pricey political consultant -- for instance, Dr. I.M. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, Professor of Party Led Mediation at the College of Lake County.

Your LakeCountyEye caught up with Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi at a nearby house of worship, where he immediately broke into a jeremiad: "The Democrats think gay marriage is this fantastic wedge issue that is going to divide the Republican Party. Well, I'll tell you what the people of Lake County really care about, and that is their guns. And Randy Hultgren and Ed Sullivan are both on the same page when it comes to firearms."

Your LakeCountyEye must've been caught in a blank stare, because Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi continued without missing a beat: "Have you noticed that Ed Sullivan has been in all the papers lately, talking about concealed carry and assault weapons? Soon everyone in Illinois will be walking around with a concealed weapon or assault rifle, and a direct beneficiary of this state-wide change-in-culture will be Randy Hultgren.

"Randy Hultgren?", asked your LakeCountyEye. "How so?"

Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi, seeming to have anticipated the question, scarcely paused: "The mortality rate among gun owners, from an accidental or self-inflicted gun-shot wound, is off the charts when compared to the general population. You don't need to be Warren Buffet to see the direct beneficiary of concealed carry and assault weapons in Illinois will be the funeral business. If I were an undertaker somewhere in Illinois, I'd be looking forward to boom times ahead."

Your LakeCountyEye, no Warren Buffet, did not know that. As always, your LakeCountyEye asked Dr. Bhatschidtkhrazzi if he had any parting advice for the ops.

He replied in a deadpan tone, "Tell all your operatives that before they apply for their concealed carry permit, to pre-order in advance for themselves a casket and gravesite. They'll save a barrel of cash."