Paper Over the Cracks

If Video Killed the Radio Star, then the Internet is well on its way to killing the Print Newspaper.

Haha, the day may arrive sooner than later, at least in Lake County. Rumor has it that the Koch brothers are going to buy the Chicago Tribune. Not just a copy of the newspaper, but the whole enchilada: the Tribune Company.

The Koch brothers own Koch Industries, which makes Angel Soft and Quilted Northern toilet paper. Industry sources tell your LakeCountyEye that the Koch brothers have discovered they can produce toilet paper at significantly cheaper costs by recycling hot-off-the-press Chicago Tribunes. If a deal goes through, this either means that actual physical copies of the Chicago Tribune will disappear from the newsstand. Or that readers will be able to enjoy the Tribune's creepy political cartoonist -- Ron Stantis -- when visiting the throneroom in the morning. Neither possibility exactly bowls your LakeCountyEye over.

Operatives are advised to look for some significant revisions between the sheets at their new Mother-of-Pearl Tribune.The Koch brothers, who want build up a younger readership, are expected to fire the Tribune's long-time publisher Col. McCormick and replace him with the trend-setting Mr. Whipple.  Also do not be surprised to see your Trib delivered to your stoop by your Roto-Rooter Man.  It goes without saying that the Tribune Tower henceforward shall be known as the Tribune Porcelain Tower.

The Koch brothers -- no friends of organized labor -- see all this as an opportunity to break the powerful Typesetters Union.  One source told your LakeCountyEye that they would much rather deal with the Plumbers Union instead -- who they privately regard as a bunch of pantywaists.

Expect the deal to impact popular culture as well. The children in Chicago's schoolyards are going to have to come up with a new punchline to that old joke:

What is black and white and red all over?

And if things just couldn't get any worse ...

Before: After: These are not photos of Truman's first and second terms. This is actually another hilarious LakeCountyEye Double Vision™!

In the future, look for your LakeCountyEye in loo of your Tribune.