Manic Suppression

The holiday shopping season got an early start in Lake County, where large numbers of urban-area voters showed up at the polls on election day, to collect their big gifts.

Haha, your LakeCountyEye has been told that systemic voter fraud runs pandemic, particularly in places like Waukegan and North Chicago. In response to the crisis, a well coordinated effort was launched to inhibit Lake County voters from exercising their right to enfranchisement: poll watchers contested legitimate voters; acceptable forms of ID were challenged; confused election judges made poor decisions and long lines; voters were sent to the wrong polling places. Judges were instructed by the Lake County Clerk's office to only issue a provisional ballot to voters who had requested an absentee ballot -- even though Illinois law allows any voter who produces their absentee ballot to cast a regular ballot.

Despite heroic efforts like these, Lake County witnessed its two sitting Congressmen bounced out of office and onto the scrapheap of history -- including Robert Dold, who lost by just a mite.

Note to operatives: defenders of good government are not taking this set-back lightly and are already testing new, sure-fire methods for suppressing the vote in Lake County. Ten of them, for those of you who are counting:

Ten Better Ways to Suppress Lake County Voter Turnout in the Next Election

Recruit your election judges from the ranks of the Antioch Rescue Squad. Require voters to submit a DNA sample to the Lake County State's Attorney office. Notify voters that the election has been postponed until the Juneteenth of Misremember. Construct Lake County Roundabouts between voter's homes and their polls. Poll tacks. Hire the Dupage County Election Commission to run the election. Strike the election from the County budget; it's just another costly, unfunded big government mandate anyways. Schedule the election on futbol night. Spread a rumor that the video gaming machines at the polling places will be unplugged on election day. Hold the election in Racine, Wisconsin.

Look for your LakeCountyEye on a provisional ballot near you.