Q the Eye/05.29.12

Dear LakeCountyEye,

Anyone caught reading this blog might get the impression that politicians are a high-rolling crew of boodlers, grifters and other sundry fast-buck artists. But I've been working in politics since college and I'm still living in a room above my parent's garage. Where's mine?

Down & Out in Barrington Hills

Dear Politically Astute Destitute,

Just run for office. After you win, the lobbyists and the well-heeled and all the other special interests will be lined up to invite you to dinner or golf or a vacation cruise -- where you can evaluate the many different ways they can legally throw money at you.

Haha, j/k. Everyone knows you can run for office. And that you can even get elected. But, haha, who are you kidding, you'll never get elected. (Unless it's to some library board out in a semi-literate home schooling community.)

But take heart, even though you will never win an election, you don't need to. To get rich in politics, all you need to do is run for election. Just take the example of one successful career politician, US Senator Mark Kirk. According to the Chicago Tribune ...

Federal law allows a candidate to pay a spouse, relative or friend for campaign work. In fact, Kirk routinely discloses that he pays his mother a salary and said he paid his stepmother for an auto during the Senate campaign.
Kirk's ex-wife files FEC complaint questioning campaign payments

So, make like Senator Kirk. Set up a campaign committee and run for office -- the higher the better. (Your LakeCountyEye recommends US Senator or Lieutenant Governor.) Then when all those 5 and 6 digit campaign donations start rolling in, use the money to hire and pay generous salaries to your spouses, relatives and friends. Kirk was paying a salary to both his ex-wife and his girlfriend. At the same time! Arnold Schwarzenegger ain't got nothing on Illinois's junior Senator!

Do what the real "career" politicians do and run an incompetent crony-campaign, with a top-heavy staff of relatives and friends. And repeat the process every two years. The real losers are the candidates who win -- and then have to serve in office, during that off-year. All the while you'll be at dinner or playing golf or on a cruise, discussing your next campaign strategy.

If you are an elected official, or a previously elected official, or just a private citizen under indictment, send your political questions to Q the Eye c/o ... LakeCountyEye@gMail.com